Concern About the Introduction

The following criticism is given as an amateur game developer with respect for the gameplay and addresses my concern about repeated illusion-breaking grammatical errors.

1. In the first room, the player character is referred to as a subject, then a patient, then a subject again. These surgeons, albeit cheap, would not have forgotten which they were operating on halfway through their write-up.
   
   
2. The operation is over, so severe brain damage isn't "expected." Given that a part of the patient's brain is in a jar, it's ridiculous to think the surgeons don't already know there is severe damage.
   
   
3. The final sentence on the medical screen contains three grammatical errors:
   
   1. "NO REFUND" is overly capitalized.
      
   2. As a stand-alone sentence fragment, "NO REFUND" should be separated from the latter part with a period or a line break, not a comma.
      
   3. The comma after "sequester patient's ship" is erroneous and must be removed because "tell them they took a taxi" is a dependent clause.
   
   
4. We are introduced to Nero with several illusion-breaking errors. "Don't worry" must be followed by a comma if you want it to sound conversational (in speech, the unspoken "because" may be assumed) or a period if you want it to sound correct. No punctuation before "you haven't lost your mind" is right out.
   
   
5. "I'm Nero" is an independent clause and deserves a comma and coordinating conjunction or a period. Since "but" follows, I'd go with the comma.
   
   
6. Nero says, "There's more pressing concerns," but means "There are more pressing concerns," not "There is more pressing concerns." Consider "There're" or "There are."
   
   
7. One concern is the "sound of explosions." Explosions are concerning, not the sound of explosions, unless your concern is hearing loss.
   
   
8. An ellipsis calls for spaces before and after. If you omit the spaces, be consistent. "text ...text" is right out.
   
   
9. Nero uses the incorrect form of "they're," which is inconsistent with its advanced design.

Thanks for taking such a close look at the grammar of the introduction! We purposefully take some liberties to establish a more relaxed, conversational tone. However, we'll take a look at some of these issues, particularly those that don't contribute to the style.

Thanks for your insightful feedback! Hope you enjoy the rest of the game.

You're welcome. I don't usually get thanked for being a grammar troll, heheh.

The rest of the game is lookin' pretty sweet! I'm proud to back you guys, but I would have liked to have done it earlier.

Actually, I've worked as a writing tutor before, so I have an appreciation for it! It's always hardest to catch your own grammatical mistakes; I welcome the help!