Concern About the Introduction

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Concern About the Introduction

Post  broodwolf on Sat Oct 20, 2012 6:08 pm

The following criticism is given as an amateur game developer with respect for the gameplay and addresses my concern about repeated illusion-breaking grammatical errors.

  1. In the first room, the player character is referred to as a subject, then a patient, then a subject again. These surgeons, albeit cheap, would not have forgotten which they were operating on halfway through their write-up.

  2. The operation is over, so severe brain damage isn't "expected." Given that a part of the patient's brain is in a jar, it's ridiculous to think the surgeons don't already know there is severe damage.

  3. The final sentence on the medical screen contains three grammatical errors:
    1. "NO REFUND" is overly capitalized.
    2. As a stand-alone sentence fragment, "NO REFUND" should be separated from the latter part with a period or a line break, not a comma.
    3. The comma after "sequester patient's ship" is erroneous and must be removed because "tell them they took a taxi" is a dependent clause.

  4. We are introduced to Nero with several illusion-breaking errors. "Don't worry" must be followed by a comma if you want it to sound conversational (in speech, the unspoken "because" may be assumed) or a period if you want it to sound correct. No punctuation before "you haven't lost your mind" is right out.

  5. "I'm Nero" is an independent clause and deserves a comma and coordinating conjunction or a period. Since "but" follows, I'd go with the comma.

  6. Nero says, "There's more pressing concerns," but means "There are more pressing concerns," not "There is more pressing concerns." Consider "There're" or "There are."

  7. One concern is the "sound of explosions." Explosions are concerning, not the sound of explosions, unless your concern is hearing loss.

  8. An ellipsis calls for spaces before and after. If you omit the spaces, be consistent. "text ...text" is right out.

  9. Nero uses the incorrect form of "they're," which is inconsistent with its advanced design.

broodwolf

Posts : 3
Join date : 2012-10-20

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Concern About the Introduction

Post  ECDryere on Sat Oct 20, 2012 6:23 pm

Thanks for taking such a close look at the grammar of the introduction! Shocked We purposefully take some liberties to establish a more relaxed, conversational tone. However, we'll take a look at some of these issues, particularly those that don't contribute to the style.

Thanks for your insightful feedback! Hope you enjoy the rest of the game. Very Happy

ECDryere
Admin

Posts : 283
Join date : 2012-02-26
Age : 35
Location : Dallas,TX

View user profile http://ringrunner.net

Back to top Go down

Re: Concern About the Introduction

Post  broodwolf on Sat Oct 20, 2012 6:27 pm

You're welcome. I don't usually get thanked for being a grammar troll, heheh.

The rest of the game is lookin' pretty sweet! I'm proud to back you guys, but I would have liked to have done it earlier. Smile

broodwolf

Posts : 3
Join date : 2012-10-20

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Concern About the Introduction

Post  ECDryere on Sat Oct 20, 2012 6:41 pm

Actually, I've worked as a writing tutor before, so I have an appreciation for it! Wink It's always hardest to catch your own grammatical mistakes; I welcome the help!

ECDryere
Admin

Posts : 283
Join date : 2012-02-26
Age : 35
Location : Dallas,TX

View user profile http://ringrunner.net

Back to top Go down

Re: Concern About the Introduction

Post  Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum